food revolution

Ive experienced intense paranoia before. Redbull has done that to me a few times which is ironic since what I'm about to write about is so anti garbage food like Redbull,  and not written with any feelings of paranoia. Over the last couple of years I have started to slowly take the blinders off regarding the food and pharmaceutical corporations of America. There are days when I wake up in auto mode. Forgetting everything I have learned, picking up junk like Redbull and microwavable mac and cheese for my son. But days like today, when some one I care about loses a loved one at such a young age, I am re awakened and feel angry again.

Today I feel angry about the diseases that are affecting or taking the lives of people. Some of my own loved ones and loved ones of my friends. Cancers and autoimmune diseases and heart disease. And as paranoid as it may sound I know that our government is largely responsible. They allow food corporations to put massive amount of preservatives and sodium and things like aspartame in our foods. And if we wanted to escape from the dangers of processed foods and eat a mainly vegetarian or paleo type diet then we have to not only pay more but we have to trust that our foods are not genetically modified. If we want to avoid those dangers, we have to pay even more for organic non GMO foods, and FYI, just because you buy organic does not mean its non GMO.

Would you like to grow your own gardens to safely sustain your family? Well, you first have to find non GMO seeds and in many states if you have a garden beyond a certain size the state can tax you.

We are really distracted right now by the hot topics. Things like gun control, same sex marriage, etc. and while those are important things and should not be ignored, how many of us are affected by those things daily? Some of us. How many of us feel our health failing or have lost a loved one to a disease, much too young? A lot of us. Many of us. Too many. How many of you don't take one medication or more daily for ailments? How many of us are young and overweight, dealing with high blood pressure, high cholesterol and battling colds and flu's and infections constantly? The obesity rates climb daily. Its just as important to feel as passionately about the safety of the foods we consume as the hot topics of the political season.

 Other countries like Russia and China are banning the US from importing, specifically, our GMO foods to their countries now. America is supposed to be the greatest country in the world but how can it be when it knowingly makes its own citizens sick. Our country is making it easier to access and buy processed foods and harder for each citizen to grow and eat a wholesome organic diet. Essentially we are becoming absolutely dependent on our government to feed us and we are putting too much trust them, (the same men and women who hold major shares in the food corporations and pharmaceutical companies) to take care of us.

I remember not so many years ago  hearing people like me, so angry about this. I rolled my eyes and thought of them as paranoid extremist. And now here I am joining them. Trying to calmly talk to others about this scary situation our country is in and hoping that they might remove their blinders too. Even if just a little, a day at a time. There is a certain amount of bravery in doing that because once you know the truth you know you have to do something about it and doing something about it can seem impossible when you feel so little compared to such a large problem affecting millions. Most people, including myself don't realizing that you don't needs a loud, aggressive revolution to change this country. You can sit quietly at your desk, writing letters. You can shop organically at your local farmers markets, you can talk to your friends and family. Don't be afraid to ask if the produce is non GMO, organic. Don't be afraid to ask if the beef is grass fed or the chickens are free range and dont be afraid to show your friends and family your passion about it. If you can help two friends rethink their eating and embrace the organic movement, those two friends may inspire some one else. That's where change comes from. Im going to be a part of that.

To learn more about GMOs I urge you to research Monsanto. There are several Facebook pages that update with current Monsanto facts and legal proceedings. Here is the link to a great one. https://www.facebook.com/Stopping.Monsanto

The Struggle

My dear friend Margaret Jacobsen has been publicly open about her struggle with depression and gluten allergy and the pain in brings her, in a very honest and relatable way. The thing I admire most about Margaret is that she is honest about her feelings and she lets herself be emotional. It shows in her amazing photography. Every time I see one of her photographs I can feel her spirit and I can see the subjects. It's like they have a radiation of love and happiness around them. Sometimes, sadness. 

My favorite photo's that Margaret ever took were of herself. She was some where wild, in tall grass I think. She was sad in her photos and she admitted that she was. Her sadness was so beautiful portrayed that if made my heart hurt with understanding. 

I struggle with depression and fibromyalgia. They usually rear their ugly heads one after the other. The flare ups come leaving me in pain and utterly exhausted and useless and that's when the depression soon follows. Today, I wanted to take a self portrait. Something happy. A good, updated, profile picture. But as I tried taking the photos I struggled with a true smile. I struggled with even finding a happy thought to help me give a genuine smile. So instead, inspired by my friend Margaret, I was just honest with the camera. I took pictures of me in my moment of discomfort. My ribs feel like they are being pulled from my body, my face is red and inflamed, my arms and legs feel like they've been beaten with a bat. So why put on a forced smile? 

 I'm no photographer but my husbands nice camera has an auto setting that makes it pretty easy to use and the tripod and timer made taking the pictures less awkward. Kind of..

This is one of the first pictures I took. I am physically struggling to smile.  

I like this picture of me. It's a nice one. But when I looked at it I felt silly inside and a little miffed. You know what they worst thing about having a chronic pain disorder/disease and depression is? People can't see it. Even your loved ones, who know you are struggling, they forget. So when all you can do is lay on the couch and shower every two days. When all you can do is the bare minimum until the horrible cycle ends, well, they can get critical and upset with you. And understandably so. 

So looking at this picture of me with my hair and make up done and a smile on my face is a little irritating to me because if some one doesn't understand your invisible struggle when you are in your sweats and without makeup, then they straight up feel annoyed with you when you look like this but act like roadkill. It's true. Doing my hair and makeup makes me feel better on the rough days but it doesn't exactly convey sickness does it?

there is the weariness. 

how I honestly feel.

Here is a picture a few moments after feeling silly for even trying to take happy, done up pictures. It's about 5 minutes after I started and I'm already too mentally exhausted with trying to keep up the smile and I've pulled off my head scarf. 

It's been a rough week for me. I've been pushing through this flare up harder than usual. I've been working on the shop, staying busy with yard work and getting out of the house nearly every day despite painful, sleepless nights. My sweet husband and son are the two people that motivate me and keep me moving while I struggle. Their patience is saintly since sometimes I can feel like this for weeks at a time. 

At the end of my photo session my son woke up from his nap and his little feet pattered into the living room where I was sitting. He wanted to sit and take a picture with me. I redid my hair in a style that is more typical for my bad days and put in a pair of earrings that I never wear and together we smiled for the camera.

This is a genuine smile. He pulls me from the deepest part of my sadness and pain and makes it better. 

He is my Henry, he is my Healer.

It's Good To Be In Georgia

We've been in Georgia for 10 months now and I only have one complaint. The drivers. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE (excluding me of course) talks and texts while driving. It's no wonder that there are so many car accidents in our area every day. It makes me miss the days when you had no idea who had called you until you got home and pressed play on your message machine.

Other than that minor complaint Georgia has quickly become our home. It is unexpectedly beautiful. I think it really surprises people when they come here. The lakes and rivers and trees and wild life are abundant. The city we live in is beautiful and full of parks and has family events several weekends a month. The community is giving and kind. In fact, as an example, at the community Easter Egg Hunt they gave out free hot dogs and hamburgers and drinks to everyone. There were hundreds of adults and children there! I thought that was so amazing.

My favorite part of living here has been discovering all of the little creatures and showing them to Henry. I have always loved nature and bugs and animals. The more dangerous, the more fascinating and I've been teaching Henry that if he sees a snake that he needs to run to me and tell me so I can identify it before we touch it. We live next to a small lake and so I expect there are Cotton Mouths and Coral snakes nearby. Having a toddler in a area with coral snakes really scared me at first. I recently learned that Coral snakes are related to the Cobra family and their venom is some crazy number more deadly than a rattle snakes. But it's rare to see one and apparently even if Henry picked one up it's unlikely it would bite him unless he continued to irritate it. Regardless, no risks are taken here. He knows how serious dealing with snakes can be.

Today's creature.

We do encourage him to dig for bugs and to hold frogs and lizards and study the habits of the squirrels and hummingbirds. Our trees have dozens of squirrels nests in them. Our realtor recommended we buy a BB gun to kill them but I'm planning on doing the opposite and putting feeders up. Yes, they will get into my garden but they were here first. The least I can do is let them snack a bit.

Since we moved here in January we missed the Fall weather  but now we are a few weeks into it and it's been lovely. The mornings are perfectly cool and sunny. I spend my mornings taking advantage of being a stay at home Mom with no where to go. I sit on my porch swing and think about what I want to do with the day. I'm missing the summer thunder storms A LOT but this cooler weather is hard to beat.

Andrew and I are really excited to celebrate the holidays on our own this year. We will miss our families but having our new home to decorate and start traditions in is going to be fun. Henry and I put up Halloween decorations and we are each going to carve a pumpkin this week. I'm thinking something Doctor Who themed for mine.

Home Sweet Home

I've been putting off a new post for too long but I have been either too busy, too sick or too exhausted to find the time and mental capacity to sit and write about all of the things that have happened lately.

We bought a house. Much sooner than we expected to. Andrew and I discussed and agreed that he could volunteer for a deployment in the next six months so we pushed up our date for purchasing a house. It was a very tiring, and at times, frustrating search. We wanted a home in a shaded, established community that had great schools and a decent location from Andrew's work. It was also important to me to have a nice sized yard and a house big enough for our family to grow...a little. Maybe.

When we drove through the neighborhood of the house we purchased I was in love. The trees were abundant and the yards were beautiful, clean and green but you could tell families with children lived throughout. When we pulled into the drive way I liked the house immediately. It wasn't my first choice in favorite exterior designs but it was still charming and the front yard was wonderful. When we got to the front door though, before we even opened it, the smell of cigarette smoke was seeping through the door frame. It was bad but we went inside and looked through the whole house even though it was completely over whelming.
After walking through the house and going out to the amazing back yard I felt annoyed. We had made an offer on another house that had been refused and looked at 15 houses since then and I was now falling in love with a house that had been smoked in by two adults for 20 years.  The layout was perfect, the house was otherwise immaculate and again, the back yard was perfect.

We shook our heads, said it was too bad and continued to look at other houses. But this house just stuck in my head and so I started talking to my realtor and making calls about how to clean the cigarette smell out of the house. After I convinced Andrew, we made an offer and here we are. New home owners. I'm sure when people come over they smell the smoke, I wish I could some how show them how changed the smell is since we came in and cleaned but there is still a lot of work to do.

We sprayed down all of the walls with a strong cleaning agent and have primed the main room that they smoked in so that took the smell from a 10 down to a 2. I think the house will smell 100% when we can afford to paint all of the walls.

I was so excited about starting our new life in our new home that I decided to adopt a dog. We drove to a shelter in SC and I fell in love with her right away. A floppy eared basset hound, black lab mix that we renamed Ponyo. We brought Ponyo home before we even moved out of the apartment and even though she was 5 months old she hadn't been potty trained yet so it was a really stressful week, especially since we were supposed to close and move in the day we adopted her but had to push it back a week. Potty training a dog in an apartment is hard! Especially when you are on the second floor.

The second challenge that I didn't foresee when adopting Ponyo was that our back yard did not have a fence. I really didn't think it would be an issue but it was a huge one. Because we were so busy cleaning the smell out of the house and getting moved in and situated ( which is a lot more work that i thought) I wasn't able to get her out to the yard every hour and I didn't have time to play with or train her. Between that and her chewing on Henry and him being constantly upset about that and the frustrations of stepping on puddles of pee camouflaged on our hardwood floor I just couldn't keep up. Especially after having to take two trips to the ER for walking pneumonia.

When Andrew and I finally came to the decision to give her to a new family I was heart broken. I cried for days. I still cry about it. I feel like I really failed her and myself. I don't like making promises that I can't keep and this one has devastated me. My Mom is right though. Every day gets easier, especially because she found such an amazing and loving new family. The weight on my heart was definitely lightened when I met them and they told me about their previous dogs that had passed away from old age and the other from the heart break of losing it's partner. Giving her to loyal and experienced dog owners was the best for Ponyo and I know she is going to be really happy with them. I'm sure she is already.

Now that Ponyo is with a new family, I have been recovering from the Pneumonia, and trying to get stuff done around the house to make it comfortable because Andrew's parents are coming for a visit! We are really excited to have family come see us. We love Georgia and I can't imagine ever living anywhere else but we still miss our family and friends on the west coast.

Henry is loving the new house. In fact, Andrew and I both discussed how much happier he is since we've moved in. He has his own back yard full of creatures and plants to discover and a big house to run through. We have found frogs, lizards, night crawlers, centipedes, millipedes, beetles, grasshoppers, and even a scorpion! I'm sure thanks to the beautiful little lake behind our house, which unfortunately, also brings hoards of bird sized mosquitos. The mosquitos are not bothered by bug spray or candles and leave vicious marks. Poor Henry has looked like leper for the last month.

We've met the neighbors on either side of us. They are very nice and have children who are in the late teens and early twenties so its very quiet here. Except for us of course.

I am so excited to experience our first Autumn in Georgia. The summer wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting it to be and Andrew mentioned that meteorologist believe this winter will be pretty cold.

The next year is bound to be a busy one filled home improvements, Henry starting school and hopefully, if we are lucky, another kiddo. It's been a frustrating couple of years in that department but hopefully now that we are "settled" in to our new home, feeling secure and in permanent place, the stress will go down a little in the next few months, I can focus on my health again and we will find ourselves expecting in the near future.

Memorial Day

It's been a while since I've updated my blog and I think today is a great day to do it.

Today is a Memorial Day and for the last few years Memorial Day has caused me to reflect more on the purpose of the holiday rather than the BBQ's and the day off.

Both my Great Grandfather, who is still living, and my Great Grandmother served in WWII. My Grandfather was in the Army Air Force and then later the Air Force when it separated from the army. He flew in planes over Europe during the war. He hand transported the radioactive bombs that have, through the years, caused him to have cancer removed from his arms. He flew mission that were so important to the war that the Queen of England recognized he and his unit for their valour. His wife, my Great Grandmother, served as a nurse during WWII as well. That is how they met and fell in love. I grew up hearing stories from my Great Grandmother and Grandmother (Nini) about this time and I have always felt proud to be their granddaughter.

The romance of a military life that I imagined from my Grandparents stories faded around my teen years.
I grew up around a Navy town. I always heard of the struggles the wives of Sailors had. Their husbands being gone for 6 months to a year+ at times. They struggled with loneliness, some of them struggling with being unfaithful. I always said I would never be a military wife. I could see that it was a difficult and strenuous life for the wives and I imagined just as difficult for the men.

So it still surprises me that year later, her I am, a military wife. I truly never imagined I would ever be the wife of an Airman. I feel such pride in my husband. Watching him get through BMT and other training, feeling the loneliness of TDY's and long days but knowing that it's worth it and feeling grateful that his job doesn't often deploy him. I feel proud of him, proud of me and proud of the military life we lead.

I feel crushing sadness at times for the women and families who have lost their soldiers or who see their husbands 6 months out of the year. I feel sadness for men and women who lose their limbs and suffer from PTSD because of the violence they have to experience and witness. But more importantly I feel thankful. Thankful for both the soldiers and the spouses and family who support them so that our freedoms and rights and lives are protected. I am thankful for the men and women who risk life and limb to keep our country safe and to protect those who cannot defend themselves. I think that is what makes me the proudest is to see our soldiers put their lives on the line for the helpless. To fight for those who are silenced by fear and to help give them a voice again.

I am thankful.

Dear Nini

Dear Nini,

today marks a year to the day that I flew into Seattle from California desperate to say goodbye to you. Those last hours I spent with you in the hospital were surreal. I held your hand and spoke to you hoping for a response of some sort but really, as I looked at you, even though you continued to breath, I knew you weren't there. Your beautiful spirit that gave your physical body so much life was already gone and it was apparent. Still, the next day when you passed came as a blow because some where in me I had hope that you would recover as you always did.

The last year without you has been strange. There have been several letters to Granddad that started with your name as well. Several times when I've picked up the phone to call you only to remember you wouldn't answer. There have been several milestones in the family that were strange to celebrate without you. Babies that have been born, graduations, job promotions and personal accomplishments. I can't help but feel your loss daily.

Granddad has been wonderful about sending cards for every occasion from your stash. I wonder how much Hallmarks stock has plummeted since your passing? Their ornaments last year were wonderful and of course I thought of you as I browsed through them. Every holiday since your passing has been filled with memories of you. I don't think any of us have the ability to make them as fun as you did though.

I often see you in grocery stores and walking down the street. It always shocks my heart to see you there. And when I pass by and realize it's not you I typically feel happiness to have you there for just a moment. To be in a world where you are not absent. It really is a different and strange world without you.

Everyday I pray that I can be like you, some wonderful part of you, to share with Henry and others. I pray to feel inspired by your spirit when I feel challenged or in pain.

I still feel such a relief in your passing though. That you are no longer suffering brings me a lot of happiness. Knowing that you are with the people who's presences you suffered without fills my heart with love.

Beauty Product and the Beast: a review/rant of zero importance.

Disclaimer: The following post is guaranteed to put you to sleep so it is not recommend to readers who are driving or operating any type of industrial equipment. Reading blogs and being on the Internet in general is not recommended for drivers or industrial workers while on the job. Neither is reading books or texting or anything else that may increase your odds of having a accident that could result in the loss of limbs.

I don't know what's happened to me. I have, for the most part, never been loyal to a beauty product. I've used the same brand of CG mascara since I was 12 except for maybe a handful of times that a new product looked promising. But even when CG mascara changed their brush I wasn't mad. I loved it. No, I am not weird about beauty product loyalty.

My hair is just ok. My PCOS has severely thinned it out in the front and my hair has gone from thick and beautiful to thin and frizzy in the last 15 years but I've manage with some very limited styling skills to make do. When I got to Georgia I knew I was going to have to look for a product to tame it in the humidity. My hair is so long that I sweat even in 45 degree weather  if I'm out and about and that's when the frizz /poofy problem starts up. I didn't want to pay 20+ bucks for 2 ounces of a professional product that might not work so I decided to start trying out some products from the hair care isle in Walmart first. I saw a small bottle of a Dove product that described on it's bottle exactly what I was looking for (smoothing creme that controls up to 100% frizz for 24 hours) and at less than 5 bucks for a 4 ounce bottle I thought it was worth a try. I loved it immediately.

My hair has started doing something really bizarre in the last 5 years. Straight out of the shower, if I tried to put a product in my hair it would soak it up like a sponge and even after blow drying it would look clumpy-greasy. Like I hadn't washed it in weeks. It has baffled many a hair stylist that I warned only to be reassured and then 10 minutes later have my head back in the sink, re-washing the product out. So, when I misread the instructions, put the product in my hair from root to ends and THEN re read to see I was suppose to avoid my roots I was pissed that I was going to have to get back in the shower and re wash my hair. I decided to just blow dry my hair anyway and was pleasantly surprised that my hair didn't look greasy. Just very shiny. Sure, I was definitely going to have to wash it the next day but I was still really happy. Not only that but if I find that I didn't put enough in my hair before I blow dried it I can put it in my dry hair and in ten minutes it looks dry again and even smoother. I even use it and then let my hair air dry wavy. I mean really, the true testament is that I can sweat like those overweight cowboys on Texas Storage Wars and my hair stays tame, smooth and luxurious.

This all being said, last week my Dove leave in smoothing creme ran out. I went to Walmart and they were out. I went to Target and they were out. I thought immediately how I joked with Andrew, "Watch, this is going to work great for me and then they will discontinue it."

Yes I actually said those exact words. I freaking jinxed myself. I knew something was up if both major stores were out so I went online to their pages. All local Walmarts and Targets were out of stock and not selling through their web page. I checked the local Walgreens and CVS websites, they were also out of stock and not selling online. Next stop, Amazon. Some one, some A-hole was selling a 4 pack for over 80 dollars. This was when I realized that I was REALLY right. They must have discontinued it. But why? A professional haircare product company had rated it 4.5 stars out of 5. My guess now is that maybe it was such a great product that Dove sold it to a company who will sell it for 3 times as much as a salon product. Or maybe I'm just the last person in the US to know about it and it flies off the shelves all the time.

Today I decided to check Walmarts site to see if other locations farther away had the product in stock. A store just across the border in South Carolina said they did but when I got there it was not on the shelf and the ladies who worked there said there was none in the back, even though they didn't use their little scanners to check. They insisted that my hair looked great. LIARS! It was a a freaking mess. The hair product that I bought to try and replace the Dove creme actually made my hair more frizzy. How does that even happen?

ANYWAAAAYY, long and excruciating beauty related post short, (or not) I decided to stop at the Walgreens across from Walmart of LIARS, South Carolina and see if by some miracle they had any and by the beard of Thor they did!!!! 3 bottle and none left in stock (of course I asked). I bought all 3. I had a huge smile on my face, the smile of a true victor. This was the freaking Hunger Games of beauty products and I beat everyone to the Cornucopia and was willing to take lives to make it out of the store with the last of it!

Tomorrow my hair will be soft and smooth and manageable and all will be right with the world again.