Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Lately I've been thinking about all of the things I've learned about myself since Andrew's been gone. It's interesting how much you learn about yourself when your days are spent with no one but two cats and a 3 year old. You become humble, you become strengthened and your sense of humor develops. In my case, I had a great sense of humor already so what actually happened is my humor evolved into mild insanity which will probably explain some of the following:
1. Here is a 2 for 1 of weirder facts: When I'm in pain, emotional or physical, I rub my feet together. It's soothing to me but I am also aware it makes me look a bit infantile and that kind of embarrasses me. Also, I mentally cannot bring myself to poop in a giant medical bucket even if it's necessary for important, medical, diagnostic reasons. That bucket just aint on my bucket list
2. I'm OLDDDD! Not old-old. I don't want to offend anyone seeing as I'm only 29 but it is shocking to me when an "older" man starts speaking to me and flirting and I think, "huh, an older guy just flirted with me." and then, I realize he's probably only 5 years older than me. I have to remind myself I'm not 20 anymore. I'm practically a geriatric. I have the senality to back that up. Which brings us to #3.
3. As I told my husband today, I am definitely in need of adult supervision. It's not that I'm irresponsible or wild. It's just that I need my husband to be there to say to me, "I think you need some time alone, you aren't speaking coherently." or, "No, Micah...It's not normal to be outside at 2 am talking to nocturnal wild life." In my defense of that though, I'm not trying to be Snow White of the Night. I'm just trying to coax the animals to live in my garden to eat the bugs that are eating my garden. I realize that they can't understand a word I'm saying but I have been told I have a soothing voice over the phone so I thought maybe that would help.
4. Back to the old thing. I bought a 6 pack of beer the other day to entice and drown the slugs that are eating my beautiful garden, and the pre pubescent cashier didn't even card me! What the hell man? I've got the cheeks of a cherub! There is nothing worn out and tired looking about me at all. I'm wearing my best yoga pants and sleep shirt right now and only one of them has stains! That's what I thought in the first 30 seconds after the transaction was ringing up until the end when he got to the Pop It's I bought Henry and asked to see my i.d. for them. Then I thought it might be more of an issue with the cashiers intelligence. None the less, I'm still butt hurt over it.
5. I've learned how to better communicate with Henry because I can see just how much he is like me. And because he's so much like me it's super important that I steer him in the opposite direction of some of my more insane habits. Alas, the second part to this realization is you can grab a toddler by the horns but all you're going to get is trampled. It amazes me the thoughts and philosophies he has outside of the influence of adults. I have learned that if you talk to your kids about the economy, moral issues, religion, philosophy and science, that you can learn some pretty beautiful things from them like, really simple but thoughtful solutions to problems.
6. I like Andrew's side of the bed better and he's not getting it back. End of discussion.
7. As it turns out, I am not the bad ass I thought I was and I do not stay calm during chaotic events. On a warm May night, around 3am my house alarm went off. Instead of running to my sons room and barricading the door as practiced in my mind a thousand time, I, stuck in a state of consciousness between asleep and awake, ran circles around my house...... panicked.....and naked....only to finally reach the alarm to try and turn it off. You know, so that I could personal usher the criminals into my home. Luckily for me I have issues with circulation or nerves or something and my hands go numb at night so I couldn't turn off the alarm. It was in that moment of pawing clumsily at the key pad that I really woke up and realized it was the car alarm of the across the street neighbors.
8. I am guilty of 99.9 percent of dirty dishes. And I've also learned that making a dirty dish must be a compulsion for me because I, being a complete eco-hypocrite, bought paper plates and still found myself not only using them but also dirtying regular dishes. And with only eating three meals a day, it's a phenomenon I cannot explain. Thankfully since I'm the only one who washes the dishes I don't have to explain a damn thing.
9. Gardening requires as much love an attention as an animal and that I do not have a natural green thumb. I don't have a brown thumb either but it is kind of a green/yellow over watered or under watered, wilted at time thumb that has both good and bad days.
10. The last thing I'll admit to is that I have realized, as I've said before, that as much as I like to think I can do it on my own, I can't. I can be quick to panic, I am a naturally stressed out person and I'm quick to get sick with worry. Andrew is the glue that holds me together but also, since he has been gone I've had to adopt new ways of thinking about things. I have new philosophies, I have new ambitions and I realize that I need to be more accepting of myself and who I am as a woman, wife and mother. I realize that so much of the stress that makes me sick mentally and physically is from the pressure that society puts on me and other women to be the kind of mother and wife they think I should be. I've learned that it's ok to disappoint everyone, including friends and family, as long as my little family and I are happy and healthy, emotionally and physically.
Andrew will be home soon but there are still many days left to learn more about myself while he is away and I'm really looking forward to every embarrassing, sad, hilarious and educational moment possible. It's nice to see that learning new things really does never end.