10 seconds in the mind of a crazy-ish person

I have had anxiety for practically my whole life. It's caused a real problem for me and I've passed by a lot of great opportunities and adventures because I was too disabled by it. Thankfully in the last few years I've learned to managed it quite well. I enjoy socializing a lot more and I can go out and run errands like a normal person. But when things get stressful, anxiety likes to rear it's ugly head. Kind of like this:


I completely understand how you feel, Sigourney.

We are moving in a few weeks so my anxiety is pretty high and I get panicky over crazy things. Things so crazy that at the end of the day when I'm calm and reflect on my day, I consider commiting myself to a mental institution. 

For example: You know that feeling you get before you win something? Like, you know you are going to win big on a scratch ticket or raffle or what have you, and your heart and stomach lurch into your mouth? I got that feeling yesterday when I spotted a huge wad of cash in the main isle of a Target, only it was accompanied by chest pains and nausea because that's how my anxiety works . I saw the cash and in the 10 seconds between spotting it and reaching it, the following thoughts went through my head.

• Oh my gosh look at that huge wad of cash!
• That person passed by it and didn't see it!
• What if some one sees it before I reach it and we have to fight over it?
• Look casual.
• Don't lurch for it.
• Quickly and casually pick it up.
• Should I turn it in?
• [-Forget that! Finders-Keepers, baby!
• Please let their be a Benjamin in that wad
• Why is it taking so long to get to it.
• The isles are shrinking!
• Everyone is staring at me. They know what I'm looking at now.
• They'll judge me if I don't turn it in!
• screw them, they would keep it too.
• What if some one sees me pick it up and says it's theirs?
• They'd be lying!
• I think I'm going to throw up.
• I'm just going to walk past it.
• No, that's stupid! Get it!

Finally, after what feels like a trek across the United States I reach that huge wad of cash, I get my hand ready for the quick and casual scoop I'd been planning, AND....................................................

and................................................

and.................

 &^*$##$%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a freaking napkin.

A. NAP. KIN.


I got worked up over a wad of napkin.

You know, I would be really interested in seeing what exactly my face looked like the moment I realized it wasn't money. Did I look as insane as I felt? Could people see the battle that had just gone on in my brain?

 What I was feeling was a mixture of things.

 Embarrassment

 Frustration

 Relief- I probably would have fought with myself over my poor morals for keeping the money for the next 10 years.

If you are wondering what goes on in the other 86,390 seconds of my day...It's typical. I think? I hope?

 Common topics that bring up anxiety on a daily basis.:

• Food. 
• Where did my son learn that word? 
• Zombie apocolypses.
• Sticky surfaces.
• Cat hair.
• Where did my son find that pointy object?
• Rabies.

The list is infinite but thankfully most anxiety inducing thoughts pass by quickly these days and my life is full of happy and fun and lots of laughter.