Dear Nini

Dear Nini,

today marks a year to the day that I flew into Seattle from California desperate to say goodbye to you. Those last hours I spent with you in the hospital were surreal. I held your hand and spoke to you hoping for a response of some sort but really, as I looked at you, even though you continued to breath, I knew you weren't there. Your beautiful spirit that gave your physical body so much life was already gone and it was apparent. Still, the next day when you passed came as a blow because some where in me I had hope that you would recover as you always did.

The last year without you has been strange. There have been several letters to Granddad that started with your name as well. Several times when I've picked up the phone to call you only to remember you wouldn't answer. There have been several milestones in the family that were strange to celebrate without you. Babies that have been born, graduations, job promotions and personal accomplishments. I can't help but feel your loss daily.

Granddad has been wonderful about sending cards for every occasion from your stash. I wonder how much Hallmarks stock has plummeted since your passing? Their ornaments last year were wonderful and of course I thought of you as I browsed through them. Every holiday since your passing has been filled with memories of you. I don't think any of us have the ability to make them as fun as you did though.

I often see you in grocery stores and walking down the street. It always shocks my heart to see you there. And when I pass by and realize it's not you I typically feel happiness to have you there for just a moment. To be in a world where you are not absent. It really is a different and strange world without you.

Everyday I pray that I can be like you, some wonderful part of you, to share with Henry and others. I pray to feel inspired by your spirit when I feel challenged or in pain.

I still feel such a relief in your passing though. That you are no longer suffering brings me a lot of happiness. Knowing that you are with the people who's presences you suffered without fills my heart with love.